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Passwords are ruining my life

It’s gotten to the point where I’m almost surprised when I type in the correct password for some account. The password box has become this grand troll to all journeyers. We are anxiously anticipating the entrance to this most ever-important web service, when suddenly we are stopped abruptly in our path.

“ENTER YOUR PASSWORD, BITCH”.

Fuck. This is going to be fun. I start pitying my situation, almost as if the apparent clumsi- and clutter-ness of it all were some deeper meaning to my underlying situation. As if it were a symbol of my shambled life. 10% of my mental capacity is reserved to memorizing and managing passwords: which password I used where, the guidelines these most respectable companies uphold regarding their passwords, which ones I changed and when I changed them, which website requires a capital letter and which require prime numbers larger than ten thousand. I am starting to have real stress in my life because of this. THIS SHOULDN’T AFFECT ME LIKE THIS! I slide both hands down my face as I look down and begin to cry. I curse at my situation. You imbecile, you incoherent unorganized monkey descendant animal; get your shit together! You pathetic excuse for a mentally capacious being.

I have over fifty websites/services that I access on a monthly basis. That’s not ten passwords to remember, not twenty, not even close to thirty, no and yet not even forty passwords. Fifty. Fifty goddamn passwords that I have to store in my mental RAM. Sometimes I get away with using the same password for multiple services, but then comes the most dreadful day, when the format of my current password is not good enough for this website.

“Your password must contain Euler’s constant.”

Fuck.

So I take a day off work to set some time to craft my new password. I clear my desk, grab my fancy moleskin notebook, and begin architecting my greatest password masterpiece to date: it will have structural elements in it the likes of which the world has never seen before! I will make a password that shall change the landscape of the password industry for centuries to come! I grab hold of my pencil and begin sketching.

W

Yes, yes why W is just marvelous! What a good choice, I say to myself. But what to choose next…

5

Oo, most excellent. They’ll never have guessed!

(

That’ll throw ‘em off. (I don’t exactly know who they are)

.5772156649

Euler’s constant. Wasn’t particularly happy about this one, but fine.

peni5

That’s good because like who would put that in their password?

<8…4a<|

And the way I remember this one is by telling the story of what each letter stands for: pacman ate dots for a living. The <| is a house tilted at a 45 degree angle, and the house is a symbol of “living”. That part is tricky to remember, but with great passwords come great responsibility.

I step back and my eyes gaze upon my creation:

W5(.5772156649peni5<8…4a<|

It’s quiet, when suddenly my lips begin to tremble and eyes begin to water. Look. Just look at it. Gaze upon what thee has bestowed upon ye! It…it’s beautifullllllll!

So I use my new masterpiece with the aforementioned service with great success. An hour later, I visit a new website where I must create a new account.

“Enter a password for your new account, you pathetic unaccomplished fool”

Boom. Got this. W5(.5772156649peni5<8…4a<|.

Repeat. W5(.5772156649peni5<8…4a<|.

Piece of cake, submit.

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“Your password must not contain Euler’s constant or a multiple thereof.”

Motherfuckers. You motherfuckingfuckers. You motherfuckingfuckerssonsofbitchesmotherfuckers. I TOOK OFF WORK FOR THIS SHIT! You inconclusive ass-sucking bastards.

My friends, my dear dear friends, we must take action against this great electronic enemy before it is too late, for the day is not too far when passwords become our grueling overlords, controlling us with their cancerous occupancy of our poor and limited brains. There is not much time my fellow beings. We must make haste.